FIFTEEN THINGS I WOULD LIKE NEVER TO SEE, HEAR OR SMELL AGAIN!

People who say, “Ahm too bizzy too do resurch or use goggles, so tell me…”

People using the term “Viking” to describe anything Norse.

People mixing something that is definitely post period with their period impression (mixing pre-period goods with period goods is fine and justifiable as long as it is not too often).

People who say they are not racists, just white pridists, because they have Viking blood!

People using the term “authentic” when they mean “historically accurate.”

People who use the Term “Garb” to refer to historical dress, historic costume or soft kit. In fact, I love the good hon est term “costume” and can only think of a person who wears garb as having a shuck of wheat in front of the privates!

People wearing spectacles or sunglasses, whining that it is not safe for them not to do so. Especially people who have never tried to see what they would have had to do visually in period and who try to do things in public that require them to wear magnifying lenses. For that matter, people smoking on the line…whether cigarettes, cigars or pipes.

People who brag about their authentic fantasy LARP and blithely use the term “reenacting” when they mean “fancy dress ball.”

People who justify what they are wearing by saying “If Theyda Haddit, Theyda Usedit.” These are the sorts of halfwits who have the skiffy blasters with their garb.

People who tell me that their polyester costume looks just like linen. Uncertain whether they need to see an optometrist or a psychologist.

People who rationalize their inaccuracies by drawling, “Ah doan speak Old Norse anyway, so why should Ah try to look authentic…?”

People wandering around in historical dress with their telephones pressed to their ears, or watching the screens of their Ipods or carrying their teevee sets on their backs…

People who unthinkingly just try to incorporate current taste into their clothing—such as a big embroidered patch on their dresses—usually without even recognizing it.

People wearing their Air Jordans or other tennis shoes in their historical costume because, as they plaintively whine, “Mah foots are tender lahk, so I gotta baby them. Besides, no one looks at yer shoes…”

People discussing their fervent current political or religious convictions without even trying to anchor these thoughts to anything history. Or people discussing what they saw on teevee last week. Or discussing any teevee show, film, sporting event, comic book or anything like that without even making any effort to associate it with anything historical or to disguise it as something historical. For that matter, people singing or humming the latest pop song on the line.